cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Very close to literally killing myself A girl from Ch@rlottesville was murdered a few days ago in NYC. It is national news. I met her a few times and my daughter knew her. I should be really sad but honestly I only expect bad things to happen. This isn't shocking or surprising. Things are bad. I am almost out of money. Like, a few hundred bucks away. Christmas is almost here and I haven't been able to buy any presents. I'm owed around $1,500 that probably won't be here til January. I applied for a job today as a program director for the V1rgini@ Film F3stival. I technically meet all of the requirements and appear to exceed them, but I'm sort of terrified that the actual job would be overwhelming. It would probably pay the same kind of salary that I had at UF and would allow me to be a real human being again. Right now I am sub human. I've had to pull away from everything social on account of not having money. It's good to be back in V1rginia with my kids. Nothing else is good right now. Christa is pissed off at me for not fully understanding her addiction recovery shit with her family. I was able to be extremely supportive when I was in Florida and I stuck with her when she was bottoming out. It's hard to be helpful to her when I'm dealing with this awful situation here where I'm out of money and destitute and have almost nothing on the horizon. Nobody is going to hire me or start anything new before January. Things are bleak. I could get a job offer in January. I might get to be a real person again, with a proper home and car insurance and the ability to buy groceries. But I have no specific reason to think that will happen. I can get a job in some other random city, but that would put me away from my kids again and I'm not willing to live like that. There aren't many opportunities for me here. I've been reading up on good methods of suicide. Breathing nitrogen through a regulator sounds like a winner, but I don't have the money for a tank of nitrogen and a regulator and a mask. If I did, then I wouldn't need to die. Sodium nitrite might be a runner up. I'd also need some anti-emitics and so forth. That would run around $75 in total, which is still a lot of money for me. I don't want to use anything that would be likely to fail and there is some chance of that with sodium nitrite. Using firearms is out of the question, due to the chance of fucking up and also just because I don't want the message to be that the guy with a bunch of guns used one to kill himself. I hate heights and falling and I think if I jump off of a high place then the time spent falling would feel like years of terror before I don't have to feel anything else ever again. I don't get much of anything positive out of existing and I haven't for a long time. A few nights ago I told Christa that I was thinking about going this direction and I haven't heard back from her. I don't expect to. My only social interactions now are with my kids and when I do my radio show once a week. One of the guys I've done the show with for years died about three weeks ago. I didn't have enough money to go to his funeral service in DC. I've pitched some really good shit to The Atl@ntic, The N3w Yorker and similar outlets. No response. I deleted my FB account a few weeks ago. I haven't been missed. Figuring out where to kill myself is also an issue. Not in anyone's house, certainly. I don't want to scar someone finding my body and I don't want them to have to see anything graphically violent. There just isn't much hope left. Especially with Christmas looming and absolutely nothing to pay for presents for at least twelve family members. I don't like being here anymore. I don't have the resources to any of the things that I want to do with my life. The films I want to make, the books I want to write, the places I want to travel to, the nest of a living room that I want. I am more likely to kill myself now than I ever have been before. I don't want help or therapy or advice or talking out of this. I want a job and an income. I want my wife and my family and a home. I think that I am making a rational decision based on hitting a dead end at which I have no options for a happy life. I have the right to decide whether or not to exist. 1:53 a.m. - 2019-12-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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