cellini's Diaryland Diary

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PLEASE JUST KILL ME ALREADY

I sat with my back to the tree and most of the stone piles to my left or behind me and a few piles before me.It felt good to shoulder the rifle and hold it forward, balanced over my left palm pushed against the tree on my right to keep it steady.

There came a sound like the squealing of a pig. To my right. Again and again. I don't know what it was. I watched and waited.

I have nothing. In my bank account, around 80 cents. In my pockets, perhaps the same. I am destitute. I was supposed to receive $1,845 from a tax refund today but this was cancelled yesterday because I did not have health insurance while I was poor. I mean before this time that I am poor.

This morning the editor of the NYT editorial section finally got back to me after a month and said that she wants to see a piece from me provisionally before buying it. Ok, so I am writing this thing now for millions of people to read. While I am literally starving and disintegrating without the basic resources to live in this culture.

I have lost 8 pounds in the last month. Not through a deliberate diet -- because I don't have enough money to eat. I am disintegrating. I don't matter any more. I am not a real person.

I wrote a first draft tonight for that NYT editor. I will revise it and send it off tomorrow. But there is no point because I don't matter. I am not a real person.

For months I have been too broke to interact with anyone. I can't afford to go out and talk to people or to matter in any real way. For all intents and purposes, I do not exist.

It's been months since I really communicated with anyone. I can't even afford to meet someone for coffee. I still know real people, but I don't have enough money to talk to them in the real world. I am not a real person. I am dead and I need to accept that. I am dead and I do not exist any more and I DO NOT WANT THE NIGHTMARE that looks like my wife to come here and hurt me.

I want to die. Please just let me die. I have never hurt anyone. I have never done anything to deserve to be denied the right to stop fucking existing. Why do I have to exist? Please kill me. Please kill me. PLEASE KILL ME.

2:03 a.m. - 2020-02-25

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