cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Beggars, choosing

Today I spent over $300 on groceries for other people. Some of them I've never actually met.

I put the word out on FB that I was willing to buy and deliver groceries to people stuck and out of work due to the pandemic. It's astounding the extent to which beggars are choosers. This thing has to be organic, that thing must come from this particular store.

My car still has an expired inspection sticker, registration, and has no insurance.

Arguably I am making poor choices.

I've been trying to not date since I came back to Virginia. Six months or so. This has come from a realization that I have left a wake of mostly very good women with broken hearts in the last whatever years. I have a permanently broken heart and really just want to be back with my wife. I date random women, who fall in love with me, and then it inevitably ends because I am unwilling to fully incorporate them into my life and was really just looking for someone to pass the time with out of loneliness.

This is a fucked-up thing to do. I don't want to break anyone else's heart.

But more or less accidentally, I've gone on a few dates with Lindsay, a Jewish woman of around 30 who is recently divorced or separated or something. She's a yoga teacher, until the plague. We've both been quarantining very carefully and risking meeting up.

A few nights ago I took her out in my canoe on a lake, fishing. After we loaded the boat up on to my car in the moonlight, my hand ended up down her pants and I brought her to orgasm while she leaned against the car. She got to her knees, unzipped me, and started sucking me off.

A minute or so into it, another boat hissed up over the gravel on to the boat landing.

I am seeing her again on Saturday afternoon and it is understood that I will fuck her.

I don't want to break another heart. I get the impression that she just wants a rebound to spend time with. I hope that this is the extent of it. She is a very nice person and I don't want to break her heart. I'm not capable of entering a real relationship with a woman other than my wife.

We can't cast a very wide dating net right now, under the circumstances. But this beggar is still choosing.

11:30 p.m. - 2020-04-10

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