cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Intent.

I am re-watching season four of Breaking Bad and seeing it in a whole new way.

The last time I watched it, I was just watching this drama with all the money and crime and intrigue. But this time I cannot help paying attention to exactly how Walt interacts with Skylar. He fucks up so badly again and again. No ability to imagine anything through her eyes, no self-consciousness at all. He growls at her and snaps for no good reason. He makes no attempt to consider what are the parts of him that she loved and how to be more of that when he is around her. So he keeps alienating her even when he wants her back.

There is literally no consideration of how to be kind to her in any moment, let alone doing that in every moment, which is sort of what you need to do to really pull your weight in the long run.

I am glad that I had good instincts for the first forty of so years of my life. I was never a monster to anyone. But it took a long time to be deliberately kind, generous and thoughtful to the people around me constantly, every day. I wonder whether this is something that can be successfully explained to someone who isn't doing that. Like, people can hear it and nod but actually doing it must be really difficult. Certainly I heard, earlier in life, that people should be this particular way, but I lacked the ability to remember that in every moment throughout every day.

In reestablishing this relationship with Trish I feel like I have been maintaining that way of thinking. And I feel that I can keep doing that indefinitely because it is now my first instinct. Never get angry. Never make accusations, never assume that she is an idiot or incapable of understanding. Look at every time we are together from her perspective and ensure that she is getting something out of it. Be patient. Listen. Ask for her opinions and ideas and give them credence.

I don't know how much she has evolved. I don't know how much intent and thought she has behind our relationship. This could just be stimulus and reaction for all I know.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Usually my family has a dinner with a cake and presents. This year, nothing. My parents, siblings and kids have all failed to do anything. Nor did Trish put anything together. She is going to meet up with me at the bookstore in the afternoon. I am curious to see whether she does anything or has anything planned other than me taking her out to dinner and then us hanging out and watching a movie in my 'dorm room' at the bookstore. This is a test that I didn't try to create. Is there going to be a present? Will she do anything special? I kind of doubt it.

I think that I am an appliance that people expect to operate reliably without thanks or encouragement. It gets the dishes really clean every time and dries them and you don't have to worry about it or think about it so why would you thank it?

The new logo for the bookstore got done a few days ago so last night I spent hours designing and ordering things with it. Large decals for windows and doors, four hundred dollars worth of book tote bags, business cards, gift certificates. Then I looked into ordering bookmarks, but they were fifty cents each even when ordering 500 of them, and no fucking way I am handing out that much money for free every week. So I tried laying out a document that can print eight of them to a standard 8.5x11" sheet of printable card stock. But the logo looked kind of pixilated and the font wasn't right and I didn't know how to get the black border around the margins that I want. So I asked the guy who did the logo - an artist who has worked with Neil G@iman -- to design a bookmark that I can turn into a rubber stamp.

Then I can make bookmarks that are actually kind of art. We get all sorts of weird antique paper in here among boxes of paper ephemera. With the stamp, I can use our paper cutter to slice whatever odd shit comes in and turn them into unusual bookmarks. Broken antique book made from Japanese paper in the 1880s with a bunch of blank pages at either end of the text block? Bookmarks. I have boxes full of this shit in storage. Damaged books from the 1700's with no boards that are not interesting or valuable that I can disassemble to turn that paper -- which feels so different to the touch -- into bookmarks.

So my guy who made the logo gets to make another $150 in design work, and I'm gonna have the coolest bookmarks of any bookstore in the US.

Even with pages that already have text on them, I can use a blue or purple ink to stamp over the existing text in black and I think it might be clearly visible. I'm gonna have to do a lot of experimentation.

Then I might also spray a clear coat on top of both sides to make them thicker and more durable after stamping.

I cooked spaghetti and meatballs in my dorm room tonight and it was very good. Then I ate half of it and took a nap for a few hours and woke up and came home to feed the eels and other fish.

I love Trish and I really hope that she steps up and does something for my birthday and is actually able to have sex and contribute something to this relationship in some way. She has aimed so very low in her aspirations for life in the last 14 years. I don't know if she is willing or able to think about this relationship from my perspective and to decide to do anything on her own accord to keep it going or elevate it. Is she capable of actually caring? I don't know. She has not done anything to demonstrate that yet. The backrubs are all just me caring for her. She never reciprocates. I buy her gifts and flowers. I take her out for dinner. I fix things and build things for her. And there is so little coming back the other way. Leaning her head against me and letting me put my arm around her is the most she has done.

The impression that I get is that it has not even occurred to her to consider anything from my perspective. Which is on one hand disappointing, but on the other hand I think that is probably how most human beings go about their lives. You can say, 'do things this way, it will be better,' but that doesn't actually make it stick so that they really do it.

I spent over an hour today talking to Katie about how she sees a particular poetry anthology that she is editing coming together. And listening to her vent about academic politics, and then brainstorming ideas for getting PR for her anthology if it is green-lit. Then I spent about an hour and a half playing therapist to my friend Salah talking about the fucked up dymanic between him and his roommate/landlord who owns the house but doesn't know how to take care of it while Salah has been doing all of the maintenance and he wants Salah to move out in 2 days so he can put the house on the market but actually he can get way more for the house if Salah keeps living there and fixing broken appliances and gutters and such for the next few months until it is actually listed.

So much of my life is spent focusing on other people's needs and helping them. Fixing their laptops and saving their beloved institution and giving them money or groceries and helping them move and fixing their decks and giving them free books and weeding and pruning plants in public spaces and picking up trash and nothing ever seems to come back in the other direction. A lot of really nice things will be said at my funeral but nobody seems to give a fuck while I am still alive. I have no refuge at the end of the day. Trish's idea of love does not seem to involve the idea of me being a conscious, self-aware being. I'm just this thing that has to serve other people constantly with no regard for who I am or what my needs might be. Because I'm just this steady appliance that acts correctly and builds things and creates things and does stuff and they can count on me to keep doing that.

I just want the refuge of a woman who loves me and shows it. And I hope that Trish can be that but she is really, really, like REALLY, not being that right now. I'm not sure that she has the self-awareness to step up and be that in my life. But I am really fucking dumb so I will keep doing my part until either she steps up or this comes to a head a few months from now. Just be loving and affectionate and actually have sex sometimes and everything can be good and we can spend the rest of our lives together. I ask so little. Please just do that and let me be devoted to you.

2:47 a.m. - 2024-07-31

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