cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Family drama and Trish still being an asshole.

A few days ago I asked my mother if it was all right if Trish comes as an extra person to be planned for to a family gathering, on the occasion of my sister coming to visit with her small children, and I mentioned that Trish and I are dating now. This should have been a really big deal after we've been apart for 14 years. She brushed it off like it was nothing. No questions. No acknowledgement even.

My birthday was a few weeks ago and nothing happened, unlike most years. No dinner, no lunch, no gathering, no cake, nothing.

I think that I barely exist as a shadow of an actual person to most of my family.

Trish came, as did both kids and Ida's husband, Luke. I like Luke. Luke like hunting for fossils, and fishing, and learning about tanks. He' is good at carpentry, which is pretty important in the long run. And he will do whatever Ida says.

I will go along with whatever Trish wants to do, on the rare occasion that she proposes an outing for us. We had an afternoon in which to do all sorts of things. We could have gone to museums in Richmond, or raced to DC, or gone for a walk along the river.

She decided yesterday that she wanted to take a trip to Farmville, about an hour away. She proposed this and I immediately knew that this will be an incredibly boring, pointless trip to a shitty little town with absolutely nothing to recommend it. But I held my tongue because I knew that she would feel upset if I pissed on her rainbow.

So after the family lunch thing I stopped at my bookstore to check in and make sure that everyone is actually doing something useful before I met Trish at her cabin. I laid out the financial situation to Anissa and June, with my proposals for how to make $2,000 a month more than we currently are, and also promised that anything beyond that which we make will go directly into employee wages. Which I meant. I am sick of paying myself $10 an hour, and Anissa almost deserves more than $15 an hour but not really, and I wish I could pay June $20 an hour. I will actually put all of our revenue growth over $2,000 a month into everyone's wages. I care deeply about all of these people who work for me and I want to make their lives better.

Then I met Trish at her place and she tried to invite Harry along on our trip. Again, trying to turn a date into a family outing. He wanted to stay home.

The family outings might be great. But that requires a fundament of our relationship being solid. And it is not.

Last night we were watching a movie in my dorm room. I kissed her cheek and her neck and she said something to the effect of, "now I know how a cat feels. People want to snuggle them but they just want to stand away a bit."

We have been dating for three months now. She fucked me (absolutely, I had no initiative or nerve to try) on our first date when I was 17 years old. We were together for 17 years. I have pumped gallons of cum into her during that time. She was at times frigid and horrible to me and at other times extremely inventive and loving and aggressive in having sex. In this three months she will barely hold hands with me. I cannot pretend that this is a normal or healthy relationship when there is no sex happening. She doesn't even want to kiss with tongue.

I feel like I am being kept like some pet beta orbiter. Only she has no dating prospects whatsoever and I could be fucking a 25 year old poet or musician within about 48 hours of wanting to.

Farmville was, predictably, completely dead. We arrived in their historic downtown area at around 5 pm on a Saturday and most shops had closed. There wasn't a music venue, not a barcade, not a bookstore or a record store. Just some shitty gift shops, a few sides with no mains. She didn't even want to go into the furniture shops because everything there looked so basic. We went to what was supposed to be the best restaurant in town and the food was like a Golden Corral.

I did all of it, and never said "I told you so," because I love her and I just wanted to spend a day with her.

We talked about the intergrade between African exploration and Britain's antislavery crusade and the colonization of Africa. And about the history of domesticated animals in North America. I kissed her a few times.

It just doesn't feel like we're making any progress. Trish is frigid. I want to eat her ass and suck her clit and make her cum and spoon her and kiss her ears and tell her how much I love her. She wants me to pay for dinner and buy her groceries and also fill her tank up with gas. I love every part of her body and love her and want to rub her shoulders and kiss her and adore her. And I think that she just sees me as a source of exceptional conversation and perhaps a way to make her car payment once her library temp job ends in a few weeks.

I wonder whether she knows that this is the end of the road for her. I am the last man who will ever want to kiss the crow's feet at the corners of her eyes. I am the last man who will ever put up with a trip like this one to Farmville even though I know that there is nothing to see or do there. I am the only man who will ever look at her and see the 19 year old girl who seduced me and gifted me a dozen plastic bubbles containing rings from a vending machine because she wanted to propose marriage but didn't dare day the words yet.

This is it. I am ready to devote myself to Trish for the rest of my life, but she cannot engage in the most basic role of a girlfriend, let alone the wife to me that she is, and make out and cuddle and actually have sex. I have made her the highest priority in my life. And she treats me like total shit.

The only motive that makes any sense here is the worst one. That she only came back because I own a building and rule a roost and she hopes to get a piece of it. This breaks my heart. I love her so much and I think that she is just manipulating me and has only come back to take something from me.

I keep hoping that she will do better than that horribly pessimistic theory but so far she never does.

It is probably time to have a Very Series Conversation with her about this.

Not that any of my family would give a shit or has paid attention or would notice if I died tomorrow.

Ida will see right through all of it. She'll know what her mother was doing. Her fury afterwards will be something to see, only I will probably not exist to see it.

2:40 a.m. - 2024-08-11

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