cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trish is incapable of love. I make an effort every day that I am with Trish to be as kind, generous, patient, hardworking and funny as I can possibly be. For what must be close to six months now. We have not had a single argument. When I can see her doing something that is a bad idea, I don't even say anything. I'm not critical. I make every effort to be kind and helpful. I buy her groceries. I give her massages. I bring her flowers. I buy gifts for her. I give her gas money. I listen. This woman is still not even bothering to shave her legs and probably not her pits. Trish has no ability to show affection. I wonder if she is faking he side of this whole thing just because she knew that she would be unemployed and is vulnerable and lonely and here is someone who will pay attention to her and include her in things. I wonder if she even thinks about how much of an asshole she has come to look to me. I doubt that I have had a dry spell in terms of having sex for this long since I was 17 years old right before Trish and I started fucking on our first date. Six months without so much as her kissing with tongue. I could literally be fucking a 25 year old next week if I tried to. It is nice being able to hang out with our kids and make dinner and watch a movie together with al four of us and my arm around her. But she is spinning a fiction in which everything is fine, and everything is not fine. We cannot have a functional, durable relationship in which my penis does not go inside of her and in which our relationship consists of me providing her with material things and doting on her while she does absolutely nothing back in the other direction. She is a nothing person. There is just nothing there except memories of who she was and what she was to me. She has no ability or willingness to be here now and show any signs of love or attachment. I think that there is something fundamentally broken about her and I can't fix it and she doesn't want me to. And maybe it is time for me to tell her that and then move on. A few days ago I acquired a set of encyclopedias that probably belonged to Th0mas J3ffeson. The bookbinder's mark was my first clue. Eben33zer Watt, the only bookbinder in Ch@rlottesville during the eighteen teens and twenties. He had the contract with UV@ for all of their bookbinding until he died in 1862. I found a letter in the National Archives from that bookbinder to TJ on April 22nd, 1826 asking about whether to include the plates for that specific set in each volume or bind them separately. And there is a stamp at the back of one volume from one S. Emm3t Sn33d, who was related to B3njamin Sn33d, who has a whole page on the Monticello website about him. Benjamin was a school teacher who taught TJ's sisters, and at least one of TJ's grandchildren, and who gave speeches at funerals of people in Jefferson's family. And it was a descendant of Ben Sneed who was a historian and who ran M0nticello and whose daughter came to me and sold me her father's books. I don't have a smoking gun yet, but the letter comes pretty close. It shows that Watt bound a set of these books for Jefferson, and these books of that title were bound by Watt. If these five books belonged to Th0mas Jeff3rson, I'm probably looking at a price in the tens of thousands of dollars for them. If I can prove it. Which I am not quite there yet. What I have so far is that there is a 30% chance that Jefferson owned these during his final months of life. Watt wrote that he had bound "several" other sets of N1cholson's encyclopedia before doing the set for Jefferson. But the Sneed link adds probability. This might be my lottery ticket acquisition. I stayed up until 3 am last night researching it. And I am up later than that again tonight, because I went home and I am drinking. This should be really fucking hot to Trish. I have these books that may have belonged to TJ. There is a history of them to be researched. I also run an underground nightclub and am at the center of a group of artists and intellectuals and hangers-on and I possess John K3ats' death mask and I am an accomplished journalist and filmmaker and author and none of it fucking matters to her. I'm just the guy who brings her milk and flowers and toilet paper whom she perpetually treats like this is the second date. Trish isn't empowered. She's just really fucking timid and dumb. She might even hate me and just does this for the gas money and groceries..I feel like loving her is just a brown dwarf shining on a dead moon. She doesn't even care what my experience is. I'm here today, paying a bill, she hopes that I will pay the next one but she doesn't care enough to look at what it is. I want to fuck her and suck her off every day for the rest of my life. I want to snuggle her and hold her and love he forever. I want to come in her ass and spoon her while we fall asleep. I want to look right into her eyes and tell her how much I love her while I come inside of her. And she exhibits no desire. I love her so much and she is just a bump on a fucking log. Trish is incapable of love. I am an appliance to her. This woman is not worth the work that I am putting into her. I would literally be better off dead than having her in my orbit. 3:07 a.m. - 2024-10-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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