cellini's Diaryland Diary

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And Damn, but I could fly to Colorado

And this woman replied to me on Facebook. She was posting this shit like she was about to kill herself. Some chick who had friended me based on my thing for the New York T1mes about the black widow bite. And she had followed me through all of the weird shit since.

She posted this thing, I'm gonna paste it below:

Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, I guess I'm a disappointment
Doing everything I can, I don't wanna make you disappointed
It's annoying
I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn't ever tryna make an issue for you
But, I guess the more you
Thought about everything, you were never even wrong in the first place, right?
Yeah, I'ma just ignore you
Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin' at the ground, I'm embarrassed for you
Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That's parents for you
Very loyal?
Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife into my hands before
What else should I carry for you?
I cared for you, but
Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, you don't wanna make this work
You just wanna make this worse
Want me to listen to you
But you don't ever hear my words
You don't wanna know my hurt, yet
Let me guess you want an apology, probably
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can't, so I guess I'ma have to leave
Please don't come after me
I just wanna be alone right now, I don't really wanna think at all
Go ahead, just drink it off
Both know you're gonna call tomorrow like nothing's wrong
Ain't that what you always do?
I feel like every time I talk to you, you're in an awful mood
What else can I offer you?
There's nothing left right now, I gave it all to you
Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, don't talk down to me
That's not gonna work now
Packed all my clothes and I moved out
I don't even wanna go to your house
Everytime I sit on that couch
I feel like you lecture me
Eventually, I bet that we
Could have made this work
And probably woulda figured things out
But I guess that I'm a letdown
But it's cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let's put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn't even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you're happy
Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Oh, I let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
And I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
Oh, let you down
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry now
I'm sorry
That I let you down

And it reads like something that I would write. I hurt so badly. So I I wrote back, on Facebook:

I want to tell you that I appreciate you. You are so honest and direct. There is so much art that isn't like that. And time after time, you describe exactly how you feel without pulling any punches. That is a brave thing.

Just so you know, there is someone out there who is paying attention and who appreciates who you are and how you express yourself. You do a really good job of being you and I hope that you keep it up.

I just didn't want her to die. I didn't want her to kill herself over some dipshit who doesn't deserve it. I know that if we were right in front of each other, I would want to kiss her and hold her and keep my arms around her until she felt like she could face the world. I would wrap my arms around her until she woke up and wanted breakfast tacos slightly more than she wanted me holding her and kissing her ear and telling her how much I want to spoon her as the sun rises.

Her response was:

"...coming from you....that really means a lot more than you know... your such a skilled writter in all angles; you challenge people to think for themselves, your not overly opinionated. but you get your point across while maintaining principle but carrying true values and logistics. You have been interviewed and interviewed so many people I would loooovvveee to ask questions too!! So for me to make an impression that really makes me feel valued and heard and by god really fucking special. So Thank you for those words and thanks for being an inspiration and a leader to me... mad respect back. I hope one day I can go to an authors signing and get a signature in my autograph book cus your a rockstar!"

I'm kinda in love. But I also know that she's pretty vulnerable and anything I do to intercede would be potentially predacious. And striking up a thing with a girl in Colorado would be pretty fucking stupid for a man in my position. But damn, I want to scoop Alexandra up in my arms and kiss her all day and night. And I know that I could.

3:11 a.m. - 2017-11-27

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