cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I more babies and I want to go home. When I first heard the album, "Song From Another Season," by David J, it actually changed my life. He was writing about having a child born, and the value or a work ethic, and about being an adult. And I wanted all of that. I absorbed that album and it made me who I became. "I see that I need to apply myself to the task of love undertook. I need to make a commitment, to take a longer look." "And one day, you may well drive a car, go to sea, run a mile. Bury a broken bird." That album was why I got engaged at 17, married at 21. I wanted to have children and to spend a life raising them. The woman I chose was the one who happened to come along and was willing to play house. And then she left. And now she is a frumpy, dull woman who dresses like she is 68. My kids were, and are, everything that I had hoped. The magic of Songs From Another Season was real as far as that was concerned. Wonderful people whom I get to be with. They have never been a trial or a burden. Through toddlerhood and elementary school and high school it has all been so much fun. Now my daughter is in college and my son is fifteen. I wanted more children but I physically can't have them alone. I am helping my son to restore a single-shot shotgun that belonged to his grandfather's great uncle. Removing the rust, rebluing it, finding a new stock. We are making a beef Wellington together for Christmas dinner, to be served on the magnificent silver plate service that I have been collecting for the past year. We have no quarrels with one another. I help him in whatever he wishes to accomplish, and he comes with me on outings to concerts and to go fishing and crabbing. We went to a hiphop show last week in Richmond that he chose out of everything that was happening that night. I played Jurassic 5's second album in my new car on the way there, and he played whatever he wanted from Spotify on the way back. It was mostly J5 and De La Soul and Digable Planets and The Cure and The Clash and Yello. I was very happy to hear all of this. It turns out that I am 44 years of age. I wasn't sure and hadn't thought about it for a while, because I haven't had a real birthday celebration since I turned 22. I thought I was 46, but a friend corrected me a few days ago. So much of the thrust of Songs for Another Season was about committing to one woman and living one's life with her. I have tried to do that so hard but they fucking leave or won't commit. Trish, left. And dresses like she is almost 70 and has gotten really out of shape and yet I have sent her flowers in recent years and made a real effort to reconcile which she has utterly rebuffed. It is time to let go of the idea of Alex as a wife or partner. She will never break from Lindsay's control and live her own life. Helenah left. Not even for any reason. She just went back to Sweden and became a different person and left. After this huge, epic thing. Women leave. Women leaving is a big enough problem on its own, but it also makes it really hard for me to have more children. I like having kids. I like when they are babies. I miss snuggling them. I like when they are toddlers. I like when they are in elementary school, and when they join a subculture, and when you can take them to nightclubs and buy them a fog machine for probable use. I wanted a wife for life so badly. I wanted a mate and a mother for my children. I wanted a home. And I think that I have reached a point where I don't have any hope at all of that happening. I don't want this to end. I don't want my son to turn 18 and then I have no more kids to take care of, and to take fishing, and build a fort with in the woods, and play Art Blakey for them for the first time, and to put on Seventeen Seconds while they fall asleep. Why does this have to stop for me? I love being a father and husband so much. I just want a wife and more children so badly. I tried so hard to commit. I thought that was what you had to do. Commit to a woman and just stay with her and care about her and then everything would be good. And it didn't work. I lost my house and I lost my savings and I lost everything that I had worked for. And now I just want a wife and more babies and there is simply no way. Its just nightmarish online dating, where everyone is on their worst behavior. I want someone to go home with. Someone who will be home. I want to go home. 4:19 a.m. - 2022-12-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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