cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How about if I just go home to a nice lady and stay there? I don't actually know if my new book is actually good or not. My beta reader feedback is too skewed. I have no fucking idea. Fully a third of the agents I have queried responded withing 24 hours and wanted to see either the whole book or two chapters or athe book proposal. Most of them are still sitting with it. My savings are rapidly diminishing. Maybe $3,000 are left. The stuff I am doing for SP1N Magazine is so bogged down. I could be writing a feature every week for them but there is just so much bullshit and waiting with every assignment. Even this new story on B1g Lurch's prison releases has been kicking around for three weeks now without a clear answer on how much they are willing to pay me for the piece. I'm not scheduling five different interviews, including one with a literal cannibal in prison for something that could pay only $500. Just fucking give me a rate and I will tailor the work accordingly. And by the way, you cannot even start to compete with R0lling St0ne again when you don't pay enough for me to fly to LA and go to the court house and see the evidence and trial transcripts that are at the heart of this whole story. And it's B@rt Bu11 himself who is dodging my texts and emails. My old friend who roped me into this stuff for Sp1n. Just say what you are offering to pay me. You're the editor at large, act like it. Alex. I tried to set up a date for Friday night. She has to work, and then spend hours trying to get her mother's money back from the bank that her aunt took money out of, and then her kids are coming on Saturday so she has to get shit ready for that. Alex was supposed to start a new job last week but failed her drug test for THC. Which is absurd, because pot is illegal in V1rginia for a few years now. But it was on account of CBD that she took for back problems. So they let her take another test today. And if she passes it, she has a salaried job for enough money to kick Lindsay the fuck out. If the new job starts, Lindsay is gone, and perhaps we can have an actual relationship. This has been a few months over a year now with Alex. She had fucking better pass her drug test. This is the point where she has the opportunity to kick Lindsay the fuck out and then we could just be on. I haven't invested so much in anyone since Helenah. I've stayed pretty true to Alex this whole time. She just has to pull this thing off and get the new job and we can actually exist together. It has been really, really painful to be alone for all of this time. Pretty much since the start of the pandemic. I don't exist to anyone. There is nobody to ask about ideas or opportunities or anything that happens to me. Offers from Th1s American L1fe, or writing for Sp1n, or trying to sell my book. And just trying to fall asleep in bed without someone there with me. I stay up for hours after I should sleep. There is no one to come to. I have this hope that Alex will deliver. That she will kick Lindsay out and that we get our happily-ever-after. That I get to fix chicken coops and replace dishwashers and crawl into bed with her for the rest of my life. But things are not looking good, other than a few of the fish waking up in the warming spring and being slightly willing to bite. I just want to go home. Go home to a woman I love and cook dinner and fix the water heater and write for a bit and then crawl into bed with her. Why is that so distant a possibility? Why don't I get to have that? It is so fucking simple but always so far away. 2:59 a.m. - 2023-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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