cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What if I cut to the chase? I just re-watched the documentary about me. I cannot understand what Helenah fell in love with that was not still there two years later. What was not made more deep by four more years of writing for blue chip media outlets? Didn't I work embedded in a university lab for a year? Didn't I I tell stories for H@bitat for Human1ty? Didn't I learn qu@ntum physics? I was a basic professional hunter. I woke up at 5 am to take people out to hunt Bambi. Why would that appeal to her but this, now, would not? Among other things, she has no idea what I became after she left. I stopped doing any of the pro hunter shit when she left. I just didn't want to do it any more without her. Lindsay is trying really hard. I am trying really hard to love her. It isn't working. I'm not over Trish, or Helenah, or Alex. The ghosts of these women I have loved are fucking up my present. Especially Alex. I think about when I impregnated her. Who that child might have been. She wanted/wants me to get immediately engaged to her so badly. What if I just do it? What if I reach out to her, after two months of silence, and just said, "let's get married." 5:22 a.m. - 2023-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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