cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have failed to fall in love with Lindsay. I have been trying really hard to be into (the good) Lindsay. It just isn't happening. She doesn't dress up for anything. It's just yoga pants and a t shirt and sandals for everything. Concerts, a book talk, dinner, whatever. She's pretty. She has a hot figure. Culturally Jewish. She has the partial hair loss thing from her thyroid issue. She gamely comes along on random outdoor adventures, which I appreciate. She's reclusive by nature and doesn't like to be around a lot of people. She aims low in her goals. She's a social worker with a Culin@ry Institute of America degree before her masters in social work. I am trying really hard to be into her but it is just not happening. She is so into me. I feel bad. Is it the hair thing? Is it just me being heartbroken from a painful series of women who either left or who fucked up horribly? Why can I not muster full enthusiasm for her? I felt compelled to buy flowers for Alex every time I saw going to see her. I want that again. Lindsay isn't into that shit as far as I can tell. She doesn't care about art, or what her furniture looks like. She does not have an actual dining table in the home that she shares with her ex-husband. That part is maybe a bigger problem for me than I acknowledge. It's too much like Alex's situation. I'm not sure that Lindsay would even want me to bring her flowers. I don't know what she wants. Maybe she is just into my past, and my manic pixie present. Running around doing carpentry for people, and Mary Poppins-ing the book store, and writing for Spin, and finishing this book, and helping obscure bands get famous, and the adventures on the river. She doesn't want to have children unless they are fosters. I've tried really hard to be into her. To be in love with her. It isn't working. I'm worried that carrying this thing onward would just be me wanting to fuck an attractive female body and not wanting to be incredibly lonely most of the time. She deserves better than that, but also honestly she is getting value for her time. Dating someone who isn't right is just time taken away from possibly dating someone who is right. I shouldn't be doing this. Also I have this problem where I have a big stack of really good pitches for stories and I'm not in front of my laptop enough because I'm doing delivery driving constantly just to survive. 1:43 a.m. - 2023-07-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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