cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changes Right now I'm listening to 'Glass Concrete and Stone,' by David Byrne. Things are changing. Fast. Much of this is change that I wanted and needed. Staying the way that things have been is no more an option than., say, a chick deciding to stay in its egg rather than hatching. My business career needs to end. If this job was going to really make ends meet for me, then it would have by now. I've given this career over 10 years and its time to lower the curtain. I was meant to be a professional writer all along. These are good changes. The other thing that needs to change is my living situation. I cannot stay in this shithole of a house much longer. I hate that Trish and the kids have to be there as well, but at the same time I can only have but so much pity for Trish. She is the one who made this place such a shithole. The windows in the front door that she broke and covered up with plywood instead of getting them fixed. The old appliances and carboard boxes heaped up on the front porch. Etc. She did all of this. She trashed the house and has rendered it barely habitable. Once upon a time I spent every single Saturday cleaning up the mess she'd made at home the previous week. I work most weekends now in my new career, so its all just snowballed. Beyond the condition she has put it in, the house needs to be torn down anyway. The foundation is bad and the floors are sagging, the wiring is bad, there are no closets, etc. So obviously I need a new house and the change in career will hopefully make that happen. But then there is another type of change that is hovering here that I can no longer deny. Trish contributes nothing to this marriage except taking care of the kids while I'm at work. She has turned into dead weight. A bad room mate. When we first got together, when I was 17 and she was 19, she was interested in all sorts of great things. Celtic history, dead languages, architecture. She spent most of her spare time reading books about these sorts of things and she had original ideas. She sang and played guitar. This continued for years, even after we were married. But gradually, her interests change. They changed to retarded bullshit. Shitty asian cartoons, Harry Potter slash fiction and horrible Korean pop bands. Its like being married to some fucking 15 year old weaboo. Her interests are all fucking retarded. Its not even like this is in addition to other things - that shit is IT. Consequentially, she provides no intellectual stimulation whatsoever. All she ever talks about is this stupid fucking Korean pop music and these crappy anime shows. I did not sign up for this shit. We are now oceans apart. My priorities in life now are writing books, world travel, building things, teaching, and studying natural history. I can't discuss architecture, science, nature, history, or anything important to me with her. And repeatedly, I suggest that we start planning a trip together to someplace new. I've suggested Peru, Berlin, Cairo, Merida, Croatia, etc. She has zero interest in going anywhere except for Amsterdam, which is only because she can smoke pot there legally. Fucking grow up already. I don't want to keep travelling alone. I want someone to travel with, but clearly its not going to be her. I still love her, but I'm not sure that's enough. Deep down, I'm not sure how much she really even gives a fuck about me any more. I strongly suspect that she'd walk away from me in a heartbeat if she had her own money. The thing is that I cannot possibly imagine a world in which I would completely turn my back on her needs. I have been looking after her since I was 17 years old. Literally, for my entire adult life. Regardless of who she has become, I know who she *was* and how she once felt about me and I know the commitment I made to her. The idea of not being with her at a time of need, or of not seeing her for months or years fills me with absolute horror. I'm just not cut out for walking away. But I've got to do *something*. I'm hoping that if I can make enough money between books, TV projects and teaching then I can solve the problem with architecture. A new house, on our land, with a separate apartment within. My own kitchen, bathroom, storage and living areas. She can trash her part of the house and yet the living situation wouldn't change for the kids. We'd stay married and I'd keep looking after her. But it would need to be understood that I'm going to travel sometimes, that sometimes it will be a woman whom I'm travelling with, and that I'm going to discreetly look elsewhere for the things that she no longer provides. Like sex and conversation about adult topics. It can work. The thing that I really miss, the more I think about it, is a sense of being on an adventure with someone. 2:02 p.m. - 2010-02-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||