cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I apologize for cooking dinner and saying 'I love you' Helenah is suddenly annoyed with me and I don't know what to do about it. We chatted for something like 5 hours last night. Until 6 am. She's going through a slight freak-out about how fast we have been moving. Apparently she has a history of meeting someone, going on a few dates, having sex a few times, and then suddenly becoming afraid of losing her independence and simultaneously thinking that the guy isn't god enough for her. So she just stops answering their calls and silently breaks up before things really get going in the first place. I am the first actual boyfriend she's had in 6 or 7 years and she's panicking. Worrying that she is going to fuck things up and end it out of habit. This is fucking retarded. If you don't want to fuck things up and end it, then just DON'T DO THAT. Her freak-out means that it was probably a bad idea for me to tell her that I loved her. Which I don't really understand why this is such a big thing. Obviously I love her. I would not have rearranged my entire life and made long-term plans for someone I didn't love. Why is it supposed to be such a huge thing that I say it out loud? Anyway, she sent back a short email reacting badly to it. And I haven't heard back from her since she wrote that early this morning. I sent her a separate email asking about her final decision on where to stay in New Orleans. No response. No Facebook updates. No nothing. I can't tell if she is hiding from me or just in class or working or what. I'm getting really worried that she's just going to break my heart out of nowhere. Right after sending me constant messages last night about how much she misses me. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? If this ends I don't want to try again with anyone else. This is all just so stupid. These stupid fucking games that these people all seem to play with each other. I don't want to be single. I don't want to participate in this mainstream western dating culture. I don't want to deal with all of these neurotic, naval-gazing weirdos with their issues and phobias and baggage. What I want is turning out to be something that I probably can't have in the modern age. The types of women that I like haven't been produced in quite a long time. I have so little in common with the rest of my generation. Why is it supposed to be so fucking hard or complicated to pick someone that you love and admit the fact that you love them and just stay with them? Why? What the fuck is wrong with everyone? We have something so perfect, Helenah and I. We fit together so well in so many ways. Why should this be at risk of getting fucked up FOR NO REASON AT ALL? I mean, there is no specific problem with the relationship or with me. She just has some weird habit she got into and feels like she is fated to repeat herself. Meanwhile I was in the kitchen about half an hour ago cooking dinner and Trish came down and started yelling at me for making dinner. First it was that she didn't think I had made enough (I was only half way through making the first course) and then she was angry that the red bell pepper in the cream sauce hadn't been minced finely enough and then she refused to taste it but she was still yelling at me for not having made enough. And she didn't even ask what it was. I was making a cream-based pasta sauce with chicken and red pepper and tarragon to go over angel hair and for some reason she assumed that I was making tacos without even asking. After about three minutes of listening to this I shut off all of the burners and just fucking exploded at her. I told her to go and fuck herself, that I apologized for making her fucking dinner after I'd been working all day and she'd been farting around doing nothing, and then I told her to go make her own fucking dinner. I walked upstairs into a room whose purpose I no longer understand (she dismantled my study/office without asking me while I was in DC and turned it into a guest room or something and I don't even know what the fuck the maser bedroom is now) and I locked the door. And now here I am. One woman is angry at me for telling her that I love her, and the other one is angry at me for cooking dinner for her. There is no place for me in this world. 6:35 p.m. - 2011-10-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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