cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It Might be Cancer. I am so fucked regarding the rent. The woman who intended to pay me for my attentions is suddenly bed-ridden with back trouble. So I've been having swollen lymph nodes for a while now. Totally invisible to anyone else. They flare up and stay big for weeks and then gradually go down. Mostly behind my ear and along my jaw. I also have otherwise unexplained joint pain in my right shoulder for a long time. Every week or two I get these otherwise unexplained low-grade fevers that last a day or two with no other symptoms. Random itching. Fatigue. I suspect that I have non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Having had cancer as a small child, I'm at elevated risk. I would need an MRI and a biopsy to find out for sure. But I've decided not to treat it or to say anything about it to anyone. I can't even pay the rent right now. I am absolutely destitute. I couldn't come up with the co-payment for an MRI, let alone the constant cost of treatment for years. Right now I'm pretty sad most days. My wife left, I have no money, no way of keeping a roof over my head. I can't find a proper job and I'm really sick of this freelance writer thing. I am very, very alone most of the time. I don't have the money to socialize, which has cut me off from other people. It seems to me that my priority should be creating a life worth living. Then if I succeed, I'll see about trying to extend it. I cannot possible afford to treat cancer right now, and at present my life does not seem worth preserving. So I have decided not to seek treatment. If I come into a bit of extra money then I might pay for testing to find out for sure. But I will not seek treatment unless I get a good-paying job with enough disposable income to cover the expenses. 6:11 p.m. - 2013-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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