cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Movie premier next week I don't feel like a proper person. Like I'm this hollowed-out dead thing that isn't supposed to be here. My whole purpose for existing is over. I don't know why I'm still here. There's no way for me to get paid a reasonable living wage. I can't have a proper place to live. And that is one of the things that makes me effectively sub-human. The love of my life is gone. I don't have a real home. I don't have a garden or a dog or a baby or a wife. I hardly exist. I don't want to be here anymore. I look like a real person. Someone just wrote another article about me. This film that I made is getting press. Last year I was at the V. Film Festival on a press pass and I remember being in this particularly magnificent theater as a film ended and the director and writer came out to do a talk-back thing. And I thought, 'I'd like to come here and stand on that stage with my own film here some day.' Then here I am, about to stand on that exact same stage next weekend for the premier of a film that I made. And I'm not even really a filmmaker. I don't really give a fuck. I made this film reflexively because I couldn't imagine not making it. I made it compulsively like some people play X-Box or whatever. This probably won't make my life any better. Thousands of people will applaud and then I'll leave the theater and my life will be just as shitty as it was the day before. I've written books, articles that millions of people read. Had my shit talked about on the Tonight Show and on Rachael Maddow. There's a whole movie about me. It never does me any fucking good. I don't want to be famous. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want my wife and my dogs and my books and my garden. I want to go home. There's no home anymore. I don't know why I'm still here. I just want a job and a home and a wife. I don't want to be here. I want someone to switch me off. WHY AM I STILL HERE? I've been thinking that next week might be a good time to stop. After the movie comes out, and after the big investigative story I've been working on will come to a head. It would be a good stopping point. I'm ready to not be this anymore. I would like to move on. 11:38 p.m. - 2017-11-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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