cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deadline For the last 5-6 weeks I've been applying for jobs pretty much constantly. I'm sick of freelancing. It has gotten me nowhere. At best, I hover just enough poverty to go out to a bar a few times a week. It's shit. My life is shit. None of this is remotely what I wanted out of life. I can either apply for jobs or I can pitch and write freelance work. I can't do both enough to be successful at both. Applying for jobs in my field doesn't often take 10 minutes. Usually it's 2-5 hours of work to apply for one position. So I've been swinging for the fences. Applying for staff jobs at the NYT, NG, WP, ProPubl1ca, NPR, places like that. Places that will pay a salary that would allow me to exist like a proper human being. But I've got to set a limit. There has to be a point where I say that this didn't work out and this isn't worth continuing with. My birthday is in July. And the day before my birthday, if I don't have a proper job with a future then I'm going to kill myself. Shit just hasn't worked out. My books, the movies, the articles. None of it was worth bothering with. It helped other people, other causes. But my entire body of work has been pretty bad for me. I can't do this current shit for much longer. Covering the alt-r1ght. All this cloak and dagger shit. So much work, so much drama, all the threats and stalking. And it pays shit. This stuff that so many people are glued to -- it pays me jack shit. I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't want this life anymore. Living as a temporary person these last few years. This was never a way that I wanted to live. All I wanted was a wife and a baby and a dog and a garden and a very simple life with someone to come home to. And I don't seem to get to have that. And I make so little money that I can't make that happen. I have so little money that I don't dare to even date. Setting a deadline for myself is a good thing. It focuses me. I have a definite goal now, as well as a definite point when this current state will stop. My chances are still probably pretty good. I started applying in earnest about 6 weeks ago and supposedly it takes about 3 or 4 months to find a job on this level. And maybe the movie will still have a future. Maybe this sudden effort to hire a film agent will go somewhere. In spite of everything else, my movie is pretty fucking good. Literally, it is probably the best documentary of the year. And I'm here spinning my wheels in horrible poverty waiting for the business side to catch up. 10:21 p.m. - 2018-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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