cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This was doomed since I was 14. I had a whole phase, probably about a few weeks, when I was listening to "Julia" by the Beatles, when I was about 16 years old. At the time I didn't know it was about John Lennon's fucked up situation with his mother. At the time I had a thing for a girl named Julie. A redhead whom I kissed once, while we were horribly drunk, and whom as far as I know from being on Facebook 3 or 4 years ago was happily married in San Fransisco with twins. I listened to that over and over again. When I was a teenager all I wanted was to be with one woman and have babies and live my whole life that way. I remember pushing the toddler of a friend of my parents' on a swing as a teenager and thinking, "I want this so much." I remember falling asleep, in the sleeping bag in the uninsulated attic that I voluntarily (why?) slept in on the floor when I was 14 and 15 after I got back from Outward Bound and couldn't deal with a normal bed, and I just wanted to take care of little toddlers so much. I listened to "Seventeen Seconds" by The Cure and "Wish You Were Here" on cassette in that attic, in the cold. Every other teenaged boy was probably jerking off to Baywatch and I just wanted a wife and babies that I would push on swings and feed and love and spend my life with. It is still just impossible. Housing is insanely expensive, and everyone dates online but I fucking hate how that shit just forces everyone to make an instant decision to swipe left and say no forever to a human being. I don't want to think about other people that way. So I deleted all of that shit. And I live this apparently weird life where I don't use any social media. I'm not on Facebook or Insta or Twitter and I haven't been for years. I just exist. I'm not suited to any other person. I go to a lot of concerts and thrift shops, and I love art and I collect late 19th and early 20th century Japanese stuff, and Mary Cassatt and illustrators like Maxfield Parrish and N.C. Wyeth and Jessie Wilcox Smith. I collect fine silver that will look nice at table. I listen to weird old darkwave stuff, and King Sunny Ade and DC go-go and mambo and 1950's Mexican pop and late 90's Jungle. I read 19th Century history and I write scientific and historical non-fiction. I go fishing, a lot, and I catch crabs and I usually put everything on ice in the car before eating Ethiopian food or grilled cheese and then going to the nightclub for three or four bands I've never heard of before. I've mostly lost hope that there is anyone else who would ever want that life with me, pushing a toddler on a swing. I wish so hard that I could have more kids with someone who would actually stay with me. But my interests are too weird and niche for anyone to actually want to spend a lifetime with me. My hope was fucking stupid when I was 14. And it is fucking stupid now. My life and my interests are so hopelessly out of synch with the world around me that there is absolutely no chance of ever meeting anyone who would want my stupid shit to be a part of her life. 1:48 a.m. - 2023-04-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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