cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just realized that none of my new friends know that I am hetero. Another awesome Ch1nch1lla Cafe event tonight. Four bands, all excellent. While I knew that this h0use venue was queer-oriented, I am starting to think that I underestimated the degree of that. I've been to six events there at this point. Someone from one of the bands was asking in conversation in the backyard what the "scene" is like here on the whole. I offered that it was way better five years ago before a few small venues closed and there were a bunch of really good local bands that played every few weeks and a few hundred people regularly came to all the shows. But it became clear that the other people in the conversation were talking about the queer scene. Not the music scene per se. It wasn't even expressed explicitly. I am the one token straight cis man in the Ch1nch1lla Cafe scene. And actually, on reflection, none of these people knows that I am heterosexual. It has never come up. This being a queer safe space, nobody is talking about identity politics. We're talking about music we like, and academic research that some of the people here are working on, and just being a bunch of normal people when about a third of them are trans and everyone else but me is basically gay. It is a weird situation. I just wrote this story about the venue for SP1N, which hasn't run yet. And everyone knows that I'm putting this place and its ideals, as well as a particular band, on a national stage. So they are appreciative and someone who lives there called me "the kingmaker" tonight. I try to be helpful. I pruned the weeds and branches that had grown into the front walkway tonight, I went on an ice run, and I offered to fix the bad railing on the back deck. So I have this strange status there and I've made a lot of friends. It has also become pretty much my main social thing every week. I'm pretty isolated otherwise, not being on social media for years. And I'm the only straight guy there but I'm not sure if they know that I'm straight. Will things get uncomfortable when they find out? I feel like I am getting a taste of what so many gay people experience in ordinary life. What is going to happen when this social group finds out about my sexuality? My hobbies include thrift shopping, fishing, going to concerts, collecting fine art, certain fine china, and silver dinnerware. Of course they assume that I'm gay. They have no idea that I was a professional hunter before I was a journalist. I was the cis-het paragon of manliness on TV, in print and on the air. Also I am a reasonably competent carpenter, mason, gardener and electronic repair person. Another wrinkle is the fact that because this has become most of my regular socialization, other than people approaching me to talk while I am fishing (this actually happens constantly and I've made a lot of friends by helping and advising rookie fisher-persons along the river), this is also pretty much my only potential dating pool. I have no idea which women are bi versus lesbians. Maybe this is fine? I never hit on women. Never. Well, when I was using dating sites I suppose that I technically did but even then I didn't use pickup lines or shit. I have conversations with people and express interest in what they are up to. I don't try to steer the conversation to myself and my (ahem) considerable accomplishments and life experiences. If a woman is interested in me, she can express that interest. She can ask for my number or talk about planning something together. When I was on social media, it was easier for women to do that part because they would friend me, stalk me, message me, and then meet up. And it was all pretty clear what was happening. All of the post-marriage relationships that I have been in have been ones where women made it clear that they were interested or entirely made the first moves. I do not want to make a woman uncomfortable or be a pushy asshole, so basically unless a woman makes it clear that she is interested then I am going to steer clear and just be polite. How does this play out now without social media for the after-we-meet-in-real-life part? I don't know. I've met a few women at CC events whom I would probably like to try dating. Are they gay, bi, or straight visitors? I have no fucking idea. It seems totally inappropriate for me to ask them out, given what the venue is. Either they follow me up somehow, or nothing will happen. The other little secret in this scene is that people seem to think that I am a lot younger than I am. They are pegging me at early 30's. I think that I'm 44 or so? I was born in July of 1978. I haven't had an actual birthday party since I turned 22, so I haven't really kept track. I am completely, wholly, entirely fucking sick of being single. This shit with Alex has been a non-relationship for many months. I am starved of physical contact, have nobody to talk to about anything that happens in my life, and have no one to buy flowers for. Do you have any idea how fucking depressing it is to see flowers on sale and think that you should buy a bouquet and then remember that you have nobody to buy a bouquet of flowers for? This is the situation while I am so much more conscious of how to fuck up or not fuck up a relationship than ever before. There was no part of me that would have ever even considered thinking of another woman while I was with Alex. Half the reason why I don't use dating apps even now, while I am single, is that when you start to enter a relationship with someone new there is the danger of the notifications from some stupid app telling you that there is someone even better that you should go look at. Since I was married, I have never been more prepared to fully commit to one woman than I am now. Except for when I was with H3lenah. I was so 100% committed to her. I guess the difference now is that I'm conscious of the need for that. But now I'm in this situation where my social surroundings are entirely queer people. About half of my serious relationships in the past have been with bisexual women. I don't know if it is possible for me to navigate this situation towards having an actual girlfriend. I don't know whether I'm going to be ostracized for being straight. 3:41 a.m. - 2023-05-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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