cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a date and it isn't with Alex. Lindsay wants to see me. Not the Lindsay who is the cancer with Alex. Lindsay whom I dated early pandemic. Lindsay whom I fucked bareback in her nice, tight vagina and who offered to do anal when we last saw each other, and then she was teaching yoga to kids while the pandemic was raging and I couldn't have contact with her for fear of getting my parents sick. Jewish. Early thirties. Culinary Institute of America graduate, and very into the weird 19th Century food stuff that preoccupies me. I'm having the presence of mind to think about what has possessed me to go all in and bring women flowers on random dates in the past. They have been women who seemed formidable. Alex was like some matriarchal goddess. Jane was astoundingly charming and funny and gorgeous. Helenah was just someone I loved implicitly and would have died for. Lindsay is timid. Cautious, even fearful. She's been hurt before. When we fuck, she has this thing where she has to lay a hand across my chest and feel my chest hair when she gets close to cumming. Probably some weird daddy issues there but ok. We have only seen each other twice briefly since spring of 2019. Or 2020. I don't know. The pandemic really fucked up my sense of time. Women who do not seem formidable also deserve flowers and love and attention. I am realizing this ridiculously late in life. I'm going to see this woman in the next few days. I think that the way that I receive her should be informed by how I would greet the women who have most impressed me. Not by what she seems to demand. She is a human being. She obviously wants to be loved and cherished and valued. What I give to Lindsay, when I see her in the next few days, and if something happens again, should be based on what I can give and not what she 'seems' to demand. She deserves the best version of myself that I can muster, including flowers and kisses behind the ear and all romantic gestures. My failures to give all of this to 'non-formidable women' whom I have dated in the past are MY FAILURES. Any woman who is worth my time is worth buying her flowers and opening her car door and offering her the constant gestures of affection. There should be no 'kinda' being with anyone. I should be all in or not there at all. I feel so awful for not having this presence of mind with Christa. I tried so hard with Alex, who responded to my last heartbroken message by saying last week that she would write more later and actually hasn't. I want to do this completely right now. Lindsay has an ass that I want pointed directly into my face, and a lovely personality, and an opportunity to be very good to her. Can she keep up with my lifestyle? Will she come out with me to nightclubs, sit by the river, come along to thrift shops, go crabbing, and watch Antiques Roadshow with me in bed? I hope so. And I hope that I will take her even more seriously than Alex when things are going on in her life. Sometimes the squeaky wheel should not get the oil. I'm trying to tune out the really squeaky wheel and tune into the mousy, quiet woman who might be a better way to spend the rest of my life. 3:36 a.m. - 2023-05-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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