cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost like a real person. I met up with Janine today. Janine who is in love with me, and who is not a good match for me. She had never seen a gar before. I am a specialist gar fisherman. I was out last night fishing with one of my son's friends. We jumped a gar. Which is to say that I caught a bluegill that we used for cut bait, and baited it up under a bobber, and a gar picked it up and pulled it underwater for about 50 yards with my bail open, maneuvering the line, before it dropped it. The kid also caught a catfish, and was totally satisfied. We netted crayfish in the shallows and got him over a dozen monsters by midnight that he boiled and dipped in melted butter when he got home. It was a banner night. This poor kid is 17 qnd his father never took him out to teach him any of this. Anyway, Janine wanted to see a gar. So we went out along the trail by the river and I lent her my polarized sunglasses in order to see the 20 inch prehistoric torpedo that came by. She was delighted. Then I went to the Ch1nch1lla Cafe event for tonight. I distributed astronaut ice cream. A very short genderqueer person made use of my label maker for a while. I met many very nice people. I met a very pretty woman. Very femme. She laughed at my jokes and ate my astronaut ice cream. She listened while I tried to talk a recent math major into learning Quiskit and trying for a job in the quantum industry. I don't flirt with anyone at the Ch1nchil@ Cafe. I am the one token straight guy and I am not out to anyone. Maybe she's bi? Maybe she's straight and there for the scene? It probably doesn't come across here, but I'm funny in person when I want to be. Stand-up comedy in real time. I brought ice when I arrived, to be helpful, and I chatted with her, and with a lot of other people. It was a weird night. They had a DJ and it was a dance night instead of having bands. I don't really dance anymore. That's been taken out of me. It's like too many awful things have happened to me to dance. Then the people I was talking to went inside to dance, and I had already talked to everyone else who was in the backyard. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't arrive with outside friends. So I just left. I walked out at around 10 pm. This is an explicitly queer space. I am the sole token straight guy and basically nobody knows that I am straight. This is basically the worst place that I could possibly be in, socially, to be trying to date. And I don't even want to "date." I just want to be in a long term relationship and bring flowers and snuggle and cook someone dinner and fix her appliances. I tried to do that with Alex. I tried so hard. She just wouldn't show up. She wouldn't leave Lindsay and commit. I thought that if I totally committed that we'd have happily ever after. I am completely undateable. I don't want to date; I just want to get married. My interests are too strange. My humor is too weird. Nobody wants a guy who goes fishing three nights a week, collects china and fine silver, watches Britcoms, and reads nineteenth century newspapers. I go to concerts all the time. I cook weird shit. I hunt and gather. I compulsively fix things. My job is always writing. I have no money or real prospects at the moment. I am not what any woman wants. I didn't flirt with her. She made eyes at me, she made eyes at everyone. She was new and wanted to be liked. This place doesn't need a hetero guy who flirts with hot women. So I left. I didn't want to dance. I'll mark time until the next time there, next weekend. It is nice to be around other people. I almost feel like a real person. Almost. 2:51 a.m. - 2023-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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