cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She doesn't have that dark, powerful energy. The non-evil Lindsay is very sweet. She constantly says, "we can do that together," "I will come with you," and things like that. That is fundamentally what I am looking for. A woman who will show up and come along for the ride. She was very game the night before last when I spent at least an hour derping around in the shallows on the river with a headlamp and a small net, scooping up enough crayfish to make a meal. She lives with her ex-husband. That's a fucking red flag after Alex and other Lindsay. It is nice to touch her. To hold her. It is a massively important thing how one woman is from another. Alex cared about art and history. At least enough to try to impress me. In just a minute together, she had this darkness and thoughtfulness and insight. Alex is not necessarily any smarter or better educated than non-evil Lindsay. Lindsay probably just lacks Alex's confidence. Lindsay suffers from constant self-doubt and fear of a kind that Alex never feels. Alex only fears the noose that the other "evil" Lindsay has her neck trapped in. This Lindsay at least has the guts to make an attempt to capture the wild me. She said some things the other day while fishing on the river that kinda bother me. That she does not think that she should ever have any biological children. I would like to have more children, if my material situation might allow for that. Alex wants another baby. I got her pregnant once already, though it didn't take. I'm saying all of this as if there was some actual choice. When really the only way to make things work with Alex would be when I get a job from a tech company that offers me $90k or so and I can promise that her dependence on evil Lindsay will end. Which will happen at some point in the next few months. Good Lindsay at least just wants to spend time with me and to show up. I want to touch her body and to be good to her. If she could just be passionate about ANY artist then that would help. Alex IDed a Mary Cassatt print that I bought. Then I went on to see an exhibit of her work in Richmond, which Alex failed to show up to see with me, and watched a so-so documentary about her work at a local theater, again without a date. Good Lindsay watches reality TV. I thought that I would watch Antiques Roadshow in bed with Alex. And that we'd get married, and I would fix retaining walls for her and she'd be the super cool chick in thigh-high Doc Martens coming to shows with me. Good Lindsay is good. She is game. I am really trying to commit. We're going to a show together on Saturday. She is not Alex. She doesn't have that dark, powerful energy. And I should not count that against her because that dark, powerful energy turns out to be really bad news. 3:57 a.m. - 2023-06-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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