cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women leave I still have this two-person sleeping bag that Helenah gave me and we never used together. I have never slept in it with any other woman. Women leave. This I have learned. I should have known better with Alex. There is no woman who stays. It is stupid for me to become attached to any one woman in particular. They will leave. It doesn't matter how fully you devote yourself to her. It doesn't matter your commitment, whether you think about what you can do to make her happy every day, or how much you love her. Women leave. Women leave. They have their self-affirming reasons. Their becoming-ness. I'm sure it's great for them. I just don't want to be a part of that process any longer. I would like a wife to devote myself to and to love and fix her laptop and make dinner for. That is literally not an option. It is not the job of any woman in this culture to exist in a relationship with me or with anyone else. I get that. People, regardless of gender or orientation, get to be whomever they want to be and do whatever they want. And I am done being the manic pixie dream boyfriend that a parade of women take a vacation with. I want something that I cannot have. A wife. Someone to trust and bring flowers to and listen to and lay in bed with on a Sunday morning. Year after year. There is a broad agreement on buying the bookstore. We're just figuring out the corporate structure now. I still have to hammer some things out with Philip. My parents came by today while I was working. It was an odd moment. They saw me for a while as I was running this odd thing. It's like an early 20th Century salon. These people, writers and readers and artists come in to look for books and to talk to me and to whomever else has walked in and sat down by the desk to discuss literature and art and history and science. I hold court. It's effectively my fucking bookstore. I run it, I organize it, I'm under contract to buy the building and business and stock. I can find any book in this building with over 100,000 books, usually in less than ten minutes. This place was three stories of chaos before I arrived. Books leaning over for so long that they were deformed. Nothing cleaned for the last 20 years. Everything out of order. I have started a great realphabetization. Going through every single book in hardback fiction from A all the way through Z, alphabetizing everything perfectly while also pulling every book mistakenly placed there (about a crate per vertical shelf) and labeling every first or signed edition. So many first editions. So many. There are legions of women who would think that the above is hot. And more so when they know that they guy who wrote it was a professional hunting guide, and he's an author who has had multiple books published, and he wrote for Smithsonian and The W@shington Post, and he was a civil rights journalist, and he's a filmmaker, and a historian, and now he writes for SPIN magazine and he runs an amazing book store. And they would all leave. After four months they would notice that I have no money and in spite of being loads of fun I offer absolutely no financial security. The part of my life where I find it entertaining to fuck as many women as possible is over. I just want one woman to come home to. I had really hoped that Alex would be that woman. Her not being that has utterly destroyed my hope. I wanted to bring her flowers at least once a week for the rest of my life. Lindsay wears a dress sometimes. She never puts on makeup. Her orientation is cis hetero female. That is about the most effort that she puts forth towards hr appearance. I am trying, but she is not. I don't want to pass her by if she is someone who will not leave. But she also has 'I'm gonna leave' written all over her. I just want to stay for the rest of my life. I just want a woman who will stay. 2:21 a.m. - 2023-10-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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