cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spinning My Wheels? Oh, I'm worried. I'm spinning my wheels and making shit happen but I am so worried that its not going to get me anywhere. Yet again, I'm broke. I get paid on Friday, but still. Toshiba may or may not be fixing my laptop. They are spouting some bullshit about how the warrantee doesn't cover this, because it has to do with the LCD. Well the fucker doesn't work when I plug an external monitor into it, so clearly it isn't the LCD that's the problem. Anyway, it looks like I'm not going to have a working laptop again any time soon. I can't work on the book, or anything else. No money to buy a replacement. No money to buy the books I need for research materials. No money for food or gas or anything. No money for the fucking train fare to get to NYC to teach this workshop next month. I don't know what to do. I just sent out an email announcing a March class, so hopefully I will get some sign-ups. That is the only hope I have right now, aside from the possibility of selling my first book soon. I don't know how long I should wait before asking my agent who she has shopped it to (and whether she has started shoppnig it at all). This is one of those moments where I can't tell for sure whether what I'm doing is really effective and worthwhile or if I'm just spinning my wheels for nothing. Maybe if I pull off this first big st@rling hunt and dinner for the Audubon society people and manage to get someone from the Times or the Post to come. Maybe if I really do pull that off then I'll be convinced again that I'm not just some fuck-up wasting everyone's time. The really disheartening thing right now is that I busted my ass doing this weekend course a few days ago, and yet there is NOTHING in my fucking pocket afterwards. Nothing. The bills are piling up so much from all directions and the cost of everything has risen so much that nothing I do seems to result in the slightest improvment in my situation. I need a book advance, or a TV deal that actually PAYS ME. I need something like that and I need it in the next few months or else I don't think I can keep this whole thing up. Something that demonstrates that this whole thing can really produce a proper income. Lately I have been seriously considering walking away from my house. Arranging to rent something that would certainly be nicer for much less than my mortgage payments, moving out, and just handing the keys and the deed to the mortgage company. If I can't make this new career pay by the end of the year, I think that I will literally walk away from the house and any remaining equity. I've kept all of this shit together for a long time but I'm just exhausted and see so little hope right now. 4:11 p.m. - 2010-02-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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