cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Want to Give Up I scratched up a little extra cash from a pawn shop for some groceries and a few gallons of gas on Friday. Still no sign of my tax refunds. Trish had to reschedule what was supposed to be her appointment with a psychiatrist (or a psychologist or something, I dunno) this morning on account of not having enough gas in her car to get there and back. Its really hard for me to concentrate on anything lately. Yesterday I was home all day and couldn't do any work because Trish and the kids had the TV on and there was all kinds of noise. I've been off of my ADD medicine for something like a month now for lack of money to cover the copayments. If there is any other distraction in the room then I stare at the words on the screen and have to look at them 5 or 6 times to have any idea of what that sentence was. It takes me half an hour to get through a few paragraphs. I want to give up. If there was a way to just give up and surrender then I would. I want hot water. I want to be able to take a shower again. I want heat in my house so that rooms other than the kitchen are habitable. When we run out of bread I want to be able to get in the car and drive to a grocery store and buy a loaf of bread. There is no way of giving up, though. There is no easy way out. There's only this bleak stretch of suffering that has gone on and on and on. Everyone knows what its like to have an appliance break or to have the power go out and be without heat for a few days. This is nothing like that. Because normally you know that it is a temporary situation. You're waiting for someone to come fix whatever is broken. Nobody is coming to fix anything for me. Heating oil will not magically appear in my tank. Food will not magically show up in the refrigerator when my children say that they are hungry and there is nothing I can do about it. This morning I told my agent to accept that first offer that came in for my book. If we waited longer then we could probably get more money. But I don't have time. My kids are hungry right now. I am drowning right now. 11:35 a.m. - 2010-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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