cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost Finished With Existing I woke up at about 5 am last night and thought about killing myself. I'm in that territory. I'm just about that fucked. This idea that I mentioned in my last entry here about an hour ago, I'll try it. But barring that I am in suicidal territory. I just don't have very many choices left. There aren't any jobs here. I don't have a lot of things to choose from. I can't fire my agent without money for legal fees that I don't have. It would be nice to finish at least a first draft of my novel first. But the reality is that this wouldn't keep me from going ahead and killing myself if I find that I really am stuck in this situation. I would literally cut off one of my limbs with a chainsaw for $100k right now. If I could shoot myself in the forehead and know that my kids would be paid $1M for it, I would literally go through with that in the next 10 minutes. Next week we're supposed to move into a nice new house. I cannot embrace the comfort of this the way that Trish is. This move means that I am walking away from the mortgage on the house that I own, and eventually I will probably be sued and ruined over it. I had to do this and get the new house because this was one of the things that she was flipping out about on New Year's Day and she was going to divorce me otherwise. So here's your nice new house, Trish. Here it is. I'll just ruin my credit and wait for the lawsuit that will eventually ruin me and send me to debtor's prison now that personal bankruptcy no longer really exists in US law. Wait, no I won't. I will literally step in front of a Mack truck first. Enjoy the house, alone. 11:58 p.m. - 2011-03-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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