cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What the Problem Is Wow, 3 different people contacted me after the last few entries about Helenah here. Both through the comments area and via email. First of all, here is the first photo of myself I've ever linked to from here. http://www.flickr.com/photos/34089789@N03/6199507967/in/photostream That was taken by Helenah the other day at the winery the other day while I was butchering some geese in the kitchen for the TV show I'm guesting on. Note the pair of mics on my collar. There are 3 very awkward factors that complicate the Helenah situation: 1. I'm married. Even though my wife is a lesbian and we are married pretty much in name only. That matters a lot to any woman over the age of 22 or so. They aren't stupid. They know that this is a seriously complicating factor. 2. I am her thesis. I turned down about a dozen other filmmakers who wanted to make movies about me. I turned down people who had HBO and Disc0very behind them. I chose Helenah. But while she has no budget, this is more important to her than a film would be for most directors. Think about what happens to her if this gets fucked up. What happens if I kiss her and she isn't interested? Or if she does want me but if Trish flips her shit and I kowtow to Trish and cease cooperation on the film in order to save my marriage? Helenah would be fucked. This is her masters degree here. If she starts a relationship with me and that relationship goes south then she has to assume that this film and her masters degree are in big trouble. She isn't stupid. She knows that this is the situation. What she doesn't know is that I will not leave her high and dry no matter what. If she commits to me then I'm with her, period. But she couldn't possibly know that. 3. I haven't been single since I was 17. I just turned 33. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. ______________ Yes, obviously I'm going to take a chance and go for broke here. I'd be insane not to. This is every man's dream woman and more importantly this is MY dream woman. She was the big evening news anchor on Swedish television. Holy mother fuck, I would be insane if I did not jump at the chance of landing a perfect 10 former Swedish news anchor and current filmmaker for keeps. She's brilliant and perfect. I am not passing this up. But its not the foregone conclusion that people might think that it is. She has a lot to lose if this goes badly. I'm a little bit famous, I have a big cult following, I am capable in many of the ways that are traditionally attractive to women. I have a best-selling book on the market with another one on the way and I will probably have a TV show soon and in a few years I'm going to have a lot of money. Sure, it all looks good. To some women. If I was aiming for a spirited barmaid looking to move up to the day shift then I'd be set. Nothing against spirited barmaids -- you work for a living and God bless you. If a spirited barmaid had tried to lay claim to me and I'd fallen in love with her then I'd be a happy man right now. But as it happens I'm aiming for roughly the biggest game that a man can go gunning for. I almost added, 'short of a supermodel' in there, but that isn't really true. Most models I've known have been short on self esteem and would be very easy to lay and marry if one was so inclined. Literally, I don't want a supermodel. I want Helenah. No, I'm gunning for the perfect woman here. A perfect 10 Swedish woman in America, who is getting her masters in environmental film-making; and spent several years on the evening news being masturbated to by millions of random men. Literally, millions of men have stared at her and wanted a piece of that. And she isn't stupid. She's brilliant. She notices and analyzes every little thing in subtle ways that completely escape me. This is the perfect woman. It is a great miracle that the perfect woman has become obsessed enough with me that she wants to devote months or longer to following me around with a bunch of cameras. She knows exactly what the stakes are. I guarantee you that she has already thought about this a dozen different ways that haven't even occurred to me yet. "He's married and it would fuck up my thesis" is probably what her thinking boils down to. And coming from the mind of a woman like this, that is a tough thing to fight against. Oh, it won't stop me from trying. And I still think that the odds are in my favor. What we could have together would be too perfect to pass up a shot at. But this is not a foregone conclusion. Regardless of my personal appearance, charm, fame, status as an author, fan base or future in this business, she has a great potential future of her own. And she knows it. Just understand that landing an epically magnificent woman like this isn't like picking up someone at a bar. And I don't want to just land her for the night and fuck her. I want her for good. I want to keep this woman forever. This is as big as the stakes in seduction can possibly be and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING, what with never having been single before as an adult. 2:15 a.m. - 2011-10-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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