cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Broken Its bad. Its all just bad. Trish intends to move out when the lease is up and will try to take the kids with her. Its all very bad. She's angry all the time. I reflexively want to touch her as I walk past her but I can't any more. I don't sleep much any more. Except that I do sleep better when I'm in bed with Helenah, which isn't very often what with her being in DC. I lie there in bed for hours with my eyes closed and I want to sleep but the crushing sensation won't let me. Late at night, I want any of three things. Either my life and marriage back; a woman in bed with me; or my own immediate death. Sleeping alone is very difficult for me. Even the dogs won't sleep beside me now. The trip to Sierra Leone is not happening this month. Too bad because I wanted to get malaria or be shot up in a roadside ambush or something. I just want to feel something else. Anything else. I don't have any money right now. Flat fucking broke. Otherwise I'd get in the car and drive a long way to go find something really, really dangerous to hunt without a gun. Maybe hunt alligators in Louisiana with just a rope and a knife. Anything dangerous and painful. I have so much work to do but it is very, very hard to focus on it. Doing creative work in this situation is almost impossible. I'm just broken. 8:41 p.m. - 2012-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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