cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am Necessary I'm listening to 'Who by Fire' by Leonard Cohen. A lot. I don't want to be anyone else. I've been working diligently to become something almost completely unique. A modern diety of the hunt and of other things. I have tried to become something that I thought the world needs. A diety of the hunt and of hardship and of the strenuous life. And especially a diety that offers to help other people find the same way. In most of what I do I try to offer a way for others to do this as well. My fans follow me as much because of what they feel that they themselves might become as for what I have done. I sleep well when Helenah is here. When she is gone I have wretched nightmares everything single night. Helenah pointed out this morning, while watching a video of the scorpion pepper incident, that is never, ever boring being with me. I suppose that is true. It has hard work being interesting all the time. Often it is physically painful but I suppose that it beats the alternative. In a dull world that watches much and does little, I believe that I am necessary. This seems like quite a lot of naval-gazing but I have to do it. Being me is VERY difficult. It would be much easier to be something else. I could quit what I do and find some very ordinary job and go to work and come home and watch television and make crafts and go to bed. Or whatever the fuck normal people do. Literally, my job is fighting sharks and killing bears and hunting wild boar with a knife and cooking strange meat and teaching people how to shoot and fish and survive in the wild. And then writing about it, doing interviews, etc. Please understand that all of this hurts quite a lot. I get injured all the time and I am paid very poorly. I exist as something that I think is culturally necessary. I am an idea of America. A sort of ghost. Buffalo Bill and Jack London and Hemingway and so forth. I think that I need to exist to provide an idea of how the American ideal can live, constantly expressed, within a man. 12:21 a.m. - 2012-10-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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