cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm trying really, really hard to climb out Why is it terrifying? Ok, I would have to relocate to a state and a city where I know absolutely nobody and I would arrive with very, very little money. I have to arrange housing on a budget of nothing and then survive for the first two weeks until I get my first paycheck. If I can just get there and survive til my first paycheck. That first paycheck would be around two thousand dollars. That is a fucking fortune for me. Today was supposed to be a birthday party for myself, my fraternal twin brother and my mother, whose birthday is a week before ours. I made it clear in advance that I am passing on this and that this isn't my birthday party. No gifts or cake for me. Same as last year. My birthday kept getting ruined by having to spend it with Trish there. I don't want to ruin my birthday by having to spend it with someone who destroyed my life. YOU CAN'T RUIN MY BIRTHDAY PARTY IF IT ISN'T MY BIRTHDAY PARTY. I would never say to everyone, 'don't invite her to this family gathering' because I don't want to be a dick. So instead, I pass on having a birthday party at all, and I pass on presents and everything else. Like every family gathering, nobody asked how I'm doing or what I'm up to. The whole thing was very, very sad for me. I'm short listed for 5 different jobs at really important universities and research institutions. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody asked what any of the jobs are. I'm likely leaving in 2-4 weeks and maybe never coming back. I don't exist. Sometimes I wonder if I am dead. I could be a ghost, flitting around and thinking that people are interacting with me when I've been gone for years. This process of leaving is heartbreaking. But I'm finding that I don't matter and it doesn't matter if I leave. I've been out of circulation for months now, mostly on account of being too broke to go out and be around people. I had to leave Facebook. And so few people have reached out or expressed notice that I am gone. I'm practically dead already. I don't feel like a real person who actually exists. I have a speaking engagement in DC in about a dozen days. I'm an important person to all sorts of people who have never met me. I was supposed to do a whole big college speaking tour with the film I made but my executive producer is fucking retarded and has hopelessly bungled everything connected to that. So I'm about to take this job in Florida and the first month of living there and the process of even driving down there has become incredibly daunting and I am fucking terrified. My interview with UC Santa Barbara yesterday was great, but I think I would need at least $5k in the bank just to show up there and have a place to live for a month. I am so far gone. I've lost so much. Climbing out of this hell after a year of doing public interest civil rights journalism is going to be very, very hard. 11:13 p.m. - 2018-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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