cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I still love her. I have realized important things about myself. My wife leaving me is something that has left me profoundly broken and unable to function. I have never recovered from this. I miss her more than I can possibly express. There is an important part of me that will never work properly again. I am broken. Every effort that I have made to date women for the last eight years or so has been completely stupid. I have wasted these women's lives to no good end. I am not emotionally available to the women whom I have dated. I have wasted their time, pretending that I could be their husband even while I have waited and hoped to rejoin my wife. I have fucked up the lives of dozens of women. Women who hoped that I could join with them and be a part of their efforts to rejoin life and make shit happen again. In reality, I waited for my wife. I never signed on to their ideas of restarting life. I was still waiting for my wife. I am so sorry for breaking the hearts of all of these women whom I led on. I broke their hearts. My heart was broken. My heart was broken irreversibly. I know that I did this to other people and I apologize for it. I never wanted to hurt any woman. I didn't understand who I was or what I was doing. And I am sorry. I am sorry for for hurting the women who trusted me and hoped that I would be the solutions to their problems. I wanted to be. I really wanted to be. But my heart was broken and I just wanted to be with my wife. I have hurt these women. I was supposed to be single, and I was acting out the role I was supposed to inhabit, but I loved my wife. And I still do. There is not a place for me. 2:12 a.m. - 2020-01-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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