cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Writing for Oxford isn't better than getting into bed with someone you love I look back on most of the women whom I have fucked and I feel regret. It is mostly a chain of broken hearts. Women who hoped that I would stay. I have been emotionally unavailable because I've been in love with the same two women the whole time and I've been marking time and fucking whomever came along just because they were there and because I could. This has hurt all of them and I regret it. It wasn't my intent to hurt them. I was (and remain) lonely, and they happened to be the women who were there, through OKCupid or Bumble or Tinder. I'm listening to "What's A Girl to Do," by Bat for Lashes. I can't get better. My heart is broken permanently. The least that I can do is to not break anyone else's heart. Kristen was (is) a wonderful person. I ended it at the right time. I didn't want to become a leech. If I am broke, I shouldn't date. Poor Krista. I gave her everything that I could while we were together in the Polka Castle. And I still wonder if we could work. Maybe we could. I really do love her. She's still waiting for me to come back to Florida and I don't know how that would even happen. And Emily. Oh, poor Emily. We have nothing in common but musical interests. She's emailing me and I don't even have what it takes to read her last email, let alone respond to it. She's 41 and wants to have babies and so do I and we like making out when we're drunk but we have no real interests in common and I like Emily a lot but could I actually spend the rest of my life with Emily in close quarters raising children and living our lives? Probably not. But Emily's friend, Dana. Fuck. She looks like Gala, Dali's muse. Dana had a tiny house built last year. (I could have built that for her). Dana goes to art openings a lot, which is where I started running into her and still do. I'm in this fucked-up mode. This situation. Christa wants me and is ready to commit and maybe that's what I should do. And Emily wants me to impregnate her immediately and I want to kiss Dana goodnight and build a barn for her. I feel like trash right now. I have this big-deal freelance gig for Oxford University Press. But I have no idea what to do next. I just want to go home. I want my wife. I want to go home and that isn't an option and writing for Oxford isn't better than getting into bed with someone you love. 1:23 a.m. - 2020-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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