cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck, I love her so much. So its definitely on. Alex is carrying on with me in open defiance of Lindsay. It is in her face and not hidden. Lindsay just has to accept that this is happening. She knows that we are back together and the humiliation and absurdity of her situation is front and center. Alex has a gash on the back of her neck from Lindsay hitting her. This woman is a complete sack of shit. Hitting someone whom you claim to love across the face and over the back of the neck when she is down. Fuck Lindsay. I tried to delete my OK Cupid account, but they still sent me a "someone liked you" email today. This needs to stop. I don't want anything coming through that could make it look like I'm trying to cheat on her. She's begging me to come on her face and constantly telling me how much she loves me. The texting is actually a bit much. Like, if you know that I am driving, please stop trying to take my attention off of the road. But I'm still skeptical of her ability to escape Lindsay's control over her life. We were supposed to go to R1chmond together today, go to thrift stores, visit a gun store, go to the art museum, go to a concert. She had a migraine, which she has about four days a month. How would she manage a normal nursing job with that? Running an in-home nursing business with Lindsay, someone else can go cover for the day. But what happens when she tries to get out of that and work for a hospital again? Begging out four days every month for migraines from an actual job would get most people sacked pretty quickly. Within 24 hours of kicking Lindsay out of her house, Lindsay will un-schedule her from 60% of her clients and Alex will not be able to pay her mortgage. I'm not willing to move in with her in the middle of nowhere and help pay a mortgage in a Trumpy shithole far from every cultural activity that has become so important to me. Alex has to figure out a job that leverages her master's degree into a paycheck that accommodates having migraines four or more days a month. Winona Ryder is seven years older than Alex. In high school, everyone said she looked like Winona Ryder. She did. Watch Beetlejuice, that was her. Winona Ryder in Stranger Things, Alex now looks like her a decade younger. She is a paragon of beauty with a durability on par with Helen Mirren or Sophia Lauren. She is stunningly beautiful and has a figure made for my face to be placed between her legs and cheeks forever. And she is so smart. She IDed a Mary Cassatt print that I'd bought straight away. I didn't know shit about Mary Cassatt. My head is in all of these Japanese printmakers from 1900 that I've been collecting and Dali and the 19th and early 20th century ceramics that I've been trying to learn. With everything I'm trying to do with my book, I really needed Mary Cassatt as an antidote from the era. But there are these weird gaps in what she knows and thinks. She said a few days ago that all women are bisexual and all men who say they are bisexual are actually gay. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? So David Bowie was gay and his marriage to Iman was fake? Most of the women I have dated have been bi, but there are some noteworthy examples who had no attraction to women. Brandy, who sexually assaulted me when I was trying to sleep, was not attracted to women. Helenah only had a fleeting desire to look at lesbian porn. Mary (the first one, much older than me) had no attraction to women. All women are not bisexual. It is such a randomly biased and judgemental thing to say that I don't even know what to do with it. Even stranger that it was said by a bisexual woman who has mostly dated women and hasn't had sex with any other man in over a decade. She doesn't really understand men at all. Neither do I, for that matter. Maybe I should be suspicious of her. But I get so fucking distracted by the shape of her neck and the corners of her eyes and I want to kiss every part of her face and neck and shoulders and arms and tits that I forget what I was supposed to be wary of. I am the dog that caught the car. When I first saw her again a few weeks ago, I thought maybe we were just going to meet up as friends and drive to the Apple store together and figure things out. Then I smelled her when I hugged her and there was just no way and I kissed her without even thinking about it. She feels more like home than anyone I've met since I was 17. What I've probably got to do is figure out how to talk about the dumb shit she says, how to amplify the smart shit that she says, and how to ensure that she is happy even when she texts me way too fucking much. Which is about the best that any of us can do with anyone whom we have decided to love. What I am not is out of my league. I know that I have value for being able to fix or build anything, for having been a professional hunter, for being a gifted writer with a pretty incredible set of clips, for knowing an awful lot of stuff after a long time of getting to talk to the world's smartest people, and for loving and accepting someone after she has been through decades of bad shit. I look better than most for this point in life. I am probably the best thing that a woman like Alex could possibly hope for right now, short of a yacht or a trust fund. If I fuck this up, it has nothing to do with money or looks. She could still fuck this up out of paranoia about surviving after Lindsay, or possibly by reading too much into my lack of enthusiasm for texting about every detail of our relationship every 15 minutes or so Her desire for a load all over her face should not be a problem. Other than my reverence for her perfect beauty. But seriously I can definitely manage to cum all over her face even though every centimeter of her cheeks and lips and eyes and ears are already perfect exactly the way that they look right now. We can wipe that off and she will have that intense, serious gaze that runs right through me while I towel the cum from her brow. She will always be ascendant no matter what we do. Fuck, I love her so much 3:30 a.m. - 2022-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||